#my perlers of them meow meow

[tarochimochi]

Losercake, everyday, daily

Day 79

[jcmk]

Brain dump:

Why is it always late at night when you feel inspired, moved, or even pushed towards changing your life? Why is it at this time when the silence is deafening?

It's tiring.. I'm crying because I have put off cleaning, now I have to scramble to clean in my really hot house so the repair people can come fix my air. Why do the floors always need to be vacuumed? Why is there always clothes, litter boxes, dishes? Why can't things just stay clean? Why can't I have someone who wants to help me or a child that picks up after herself without being screamed at?

I recently had a birthday, I hate my birthday. It's a yearly reminder my life is going no where. I'm another year farther away from any dreams I ever had..dreams are pointless anyways. Most of the time I try to be optimistic or more I pretend. Other people need the optimistic Kendra. Those are the good days. Those are days I can sleep.

Our air is busted only cool air is my bedroom. I hate it I try to sit outside but watching TV in our room knowing it's too hot to do that in the living room. It throws me off.. now I can't sleep. I have the urge to not be in my bedroom. Hell I don't want to be in this house. It never feels clean. It feels pointless to clean it's never going to appease the ideal I have in my mind. I often envision picking it up and shaking everything out. Only keeping the furniture.

I need something new.. I got a new job I thought it would help. It has a little. I bought bras which are needed but I keep buying them why?? I have two ordered so I bought two more.. even tho I know they probably won't fit?!?! What is wrong with me. I ordered a book to do sugar cookies.. because hey they are cute I want to do them. I'll buy all the stuff.. I'll do them maybe once. Same with the paint I bought I never painted. The perler beads I've shoved away. Or maybe the IPad I bought to draw more then never did.

Because why? I already know I'm not going to be good at these things.. so why try? So why do I buy it? I somehow convince myself I can do it I will be great. Then when I'm not perfect at it the first try... I give up. Where does that mentality come from?

Can I cut myself off so I can reboot? Maybe I don't have the latest software update or I have a bug..

My life feels so stagnant.. I got a new job 3 weeks in the new has worn off. The glamor is gone. Why am I like this... then I go ok Kendra. If this isn't it... what is? I don't have a clue. Can I be a professional depressed person? Can I just lay in bed... I fear that the most, if I do that I think I will just give up completely.

I often feel like I'm drowning but no one can see me. To them I'm just swimming peacefully even when I'm screaming for help..

What do you do when you are just not ok?

The cat was lost for days, we presumed she ran away. I felt like she wouldn't go outside she is so skiddish everyday we would check all the rooms and call her. It's been almost a week.. she never meowed or anything. We found her tonight in the same room we looked in 10 other times.

I want to go away.. I want my own life. I want a different life. I'm so bored in this one.. I often think of just leaving I'm tired of being so needed, But fuck what would I do? I don't even like to order my own food or drive half the time. I often wonder if it would make me be more independent.

Most days I wish my logical brain would hush. I wish I could just have some pills, get high and sit in the quiet, without any thoughts. I've been there once it was amazing.. I liked it too much. I knew I couldn't do it again. I get the appeal of drugs, of alcohol of chasing a high, of just being numb for awhile. I just want the thoughts to shut up. I just want my brain to be quiet for awhile.

What do you do when you are just not happy anymore?

I'm tired of buying things trying to chase any kind of happiness, saving money doesn't work. Then I worry someone will steal my money. Food doesn't bring me job anymore I wish I could just not eat.

I'm ready for a new life.. how do you start over???